Summer Days...

Ahhh!!! Summer days. When I was younger and envisioned my life with kids I always thought of days like today. Blowing up the pool in the backyard. Lunch and Supper outside. Iced tea in abundance. You know, the good life. Today was one of those days. Sun was hot. The drinks were cold. The kids were happy and wet; very important. And we just enjoyed. Exactly what summer should be about.
Short and sweet; just like this wonderful season :)

My non-existent Bucket List

Oh dear. What has happened to me? After the funeral of my childhood classmate I got inspiration to create a Bucket List for myself and start scratching off the list and blogging about each experience. Sounded like a great idea. Grabbed my pen and paper, sat down at the kitchen table and was ready to start my list of all the things I want to do in my life. Then Charlie woke up from his nap and needed a snuggle. Then Jack woke up from his nap and needed to pee, then have a drink, and then needed a snack. So off to do that. Then what time is it? Crap, 4 pm- time to start thinking about supper.

The list can wait.

My life can wait.

My life has waited. The truth is. I have no idea what should even be on my Bucket List. I can't think of one thing. That realization scared me. I get that having children puts everything on hold. I haven't really thought about what I wanted since I got pregnant with Jack- almost 4 years ago. Either than wanting to have children. It's all been about my kids. But it goes even further than that. When you have an 'entrepreneur' as a husband and not really the same desires for career as him; that comes first. So we've been together 9 years. The last 9 years has really been focused on our relationship. I travelled to his home town for his hockey games to hang out with his friends the first couple years. After college, I moved to his farm home to help him with his business. And it goes on and on. Don't get me wrong- I don't regret one thing. I would do it all in a heartbeat because I have a wonderful life with a loving husband and kids who I adore; I probably wouldn't have all of that if I had spent the time to think about ME.

So here I come back to my empty piece of loose-leaf. Trying to take the time to think about the things that I want to experience. What will make my life the fullest? When I have to face death; will I be able to say I have done all the things I wanted to do? First, I have to figure out all the things I want to do.

But what I do know for sure, that right now....... I have to go snuggle my boys. Because they are definitely first on any list. I will make my bucket list. I will post it. And I will do it. But just not right in this moment.

Eeeekkk... it's spooky out there

Eeekkkk.... it's spooky out there. As Jack would say and did say (a few times today). 2 storms in one day. 2 storms that were a little unsettling because of the tornado watch warnings and the numerous facebook posts of people reporting tornado's spotted in various places. And of course Kelly was gone on the road during the first storm which just added to my unsettled stomach.

I never know when to take action. I was the only adult who could protect my little munchkins if something went wrong. I know I over think emergency situations and usually have a plan; like move the beds away from the window just in case if the lightening gets too close. I plan ALL future emergencies so if by chance something does happen; I am ready. The only thing that holds me back is my forgetful mind. All the planning in the world won't help if I can't remember. I have always been like this. I remember back when I was a just a little girl and I would lay in bed and execute my fire escape or what I would do if we were robbed. Still to this day- these are the things that will keep me up at night. Silly silly girl. I thought I had to have the plan (in my eight year old little mind). But now, I DO have to have the plan! Eeeekkkkk..... the responsibility!

Thank goodness Kelly is THE weatherman at our house and keeps track of all the pressure systems, trends, etc. etc. As much as I make "fun" of the numerous comments through out the day "Oh Prince Albert is going to get nailed" and "Alana, come look at this pressure system"- I do feel a little safer when he's in the room. And in the house. And in the yard. Well; even just in the city. Even if he has no clue what he's talking about ;)

Hope everyone is staying safe out there. I know I am cuddled up on the couch and keeping my eye on the weather network. I mean, cause you can never be too safe.

Need a weekend after my weekend

I am still tired from my weekend; hence the no new posts! It was a busy one but staying up till past 11 last night to watch The Bachelorette probably contributed to this sluggishness as well :)

Friday night we had the neighbours and their boys over for a drink and the boys played with the garden hose. So fun to watch! Jack loves all his "fwiends" and asks for them over everyday. I love watching him grow up into this little boy, having a 'social' life and enjoying the great things that life has to offer! My goal as a Stay at Home Mom is that I make memories for my kids that only I could create. Memories that they will remember for a life time.
Saturday started off at the parade. It's a little tough to manage a 3 and 1 year old while they wait for an hour for the parade to come but we did it! My sister and her family came down for the entire day and to partake in the Sizzler Festivities. I must say, I have never been more proud to call Humboldt home. Humboldt did a great job putting the whole weekend on. All the hard work from everyone definetly didn't go unnoticed. The parade was awesome. We have went to some other parades this year but none touched this one. The farm equipment helps (thank you farming community) as my boys get mezmerized by the equipment with the bigger than life wheels. Quite impressive actually. Then off to the midway where they kids enjoyed the rides and  food that only a fair can provide.
Sunday was Dad's 60th birthday celebration at the lake. The whole family made it and enjoyed a full day of good food, good drinks and good company. There was a definite reason to celebrate such an important birthday as we were all unsure if Dad would make it to this one. The scare with bacterial menigitis sure put everything into perspective.  The kids sure had a blast. 
But I need a weekend now. I am wiped and as are the boys. Jack is still talking about all the fun things he did; but he's a little cranky ;) Oh well, that's part of it too.


Now my diet starts tomorrow. I just finished making a baked oatmeal for tomorrow mornings breakfast so I can start it off right! I've gotten off track with my diet (I am kidding myself as I've never dieted before). But soon I'll be able to run SUPER fast.

Love this photo of Grandpa with his grandkids!

I'm a disorganized organizer

Count them. 29. 29 piles of clothing. Nicely separated and folded for the different drawers, closet, rooms- for the 4 people that live in our household. Shake your head. I am right now.
I am soooooo a disorganized organizer. I think I may be the only person on this planet that did laundry all day and didn't fold up one piece until I was finally done. How stupid. So here I sit on my living room carpet, folding up a hundred pieces of clothing into 29 different piles; trying to get it done before one of my 'tornadoes' hit. It's happened; many times. Then I have to start from scratch all over again and re-fold,re-pile and re-organize my disorganized mess.
My organized side comes from my mom. She is THE organized queen. Kelly laughs at her eccentricities (let's call them). Labeling is a hobby for her, even if it's completely obvious what it is. My disorganized side is all my own. There is no one to blame but myself.

A glimpse into my disorganized organized life. I better go. There is more folding to do.

You can live completely without complete understanding...

Today I went to the funeral of one of my childhood classmates/friend. It feels weird and incredibly sad to attend a funeral of someone my age; who battled cancer the last 3 1/2 years of her life. Surely not fair. Life sometimes isn't fair..... At the back of the program there was a quote that I couldn't help but read over and over again.

"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going... but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn't fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one... and two, you can live completely without complete understanding." - Jodi Hills

If you actually read this quote and pay attention to the words; it is so wise. What a way to live. I love the part and in resonates deep in me "you can live completely without complete understanding." I spend so much time trying to come up with the answers; to understand every little thing in my life- that sometimes I forget to just live it. If I'm consumed with my thoughts than I'm not consumed with my children. If I'm consumed with my thoughts than I miss out on the sun shining, or the freshness of the rain. I don't want to miss out. "Growing old is privilege that is denied to many."

They did an amazing job celebrating the life of her. Stories were told, her masterpieces of sewing, cross stich, and knitting were displayed in pride- it was truly special to be a part of. But the one thing that I'm going to take away from this was something that her aunt told us all. "If there are things you want to do- do them now. Don't wait. Make a bucket list. Check them off. Experience life."

And I fully intend to do that. Thank you for the lesson. I needed it.

What To Expect....

I had a date last night. Kelly graciously bowed out so my good friend filled in. We went to see "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, consumed WAY too much popcorn, got my monthly dose of sodium from the ketchup seasoning I put on my popcorn, drank pop (gasp! I NEVER drink pop) and even had some skittles. Good time. I had to waddle out of the there but still a great time! Date started at 7:15 and I was home by 9:30 and in bed by 10:00. Even better.

The movie got me excited about possibly getting pregnant again sometime soon. Then the (spoiler alert!) a miscarraige happened to one of the ladies. That got me thinking. Am I ready for that. I have to be realistic. I`ve had 2, what`s to say I won`t have more. After my first miscarraige it never really scared me that it would happen again. Charlie happened and he is as heathly as a horse (knock on wood). But when it happened for the 2nd time; that freaked me right out. My doctor is still saying that it was just bad luck. I would not have had a healthy baby if it was ``me``. But what if they are wrong. Would it be harder to miscarry again soon after a previous miscarraige or would it be harder to wait 6 months or a year and miscarry then. It makes me mad that I have to think about this but everyone has something. I realize that. I don`t have the answers. I also know that I can`t live in fear but that`s a little easier said than done.
So basically I am no further ahead in my thoughts. And now neither are you :)

Oh- I also realize that I asked questions without a question mark. I am not that computer savy and one of the kids pressed something and my question mark is now a french è`. Go figure.

THAT hour....

I can write about this now, because after a good nights sleep; it's actually quite funny. If you are a parent you already know what hour I'm talking about. If you not a parent, you soon will. THAT hour is the hour before.... supper time! Last night was a little more exaggerated than other nights but still it's usually the same. I was making meatballs, messy messy meatballs. I was on the phone with Kelly- because by this time of the day I am just CRAVING some adult conversation. We never talk of anything of value, I just need to talk. Charlie starts crying. Wash my hands. Soothe him a bit. Go back to making meatballs; all while still on the phone. Then Charlie starts crying again. Wash my hands. Soothe him a bit. Go back to making meatballs, all while still on the phone. When he starts crying AGAIN; I just didn't want to wash my hands, soothe him a bit.... you get the point. So I let him whimper. I'm just going to have to make meatballs faster. Then Jack starts to cry you know because Charlie is crying (logically- there has to be reason right?). When Jack couldn't figure out the reason then he made one up. The imprints from his pillow on his arm looked like a good enough one. That's GOT TO BE an owwiee, right? So Jack is crying at my one leg, Charlie at my other, my hands are full of raw meat, all while still on the phone with Kelly. We can't hear each other but I can't hang up because my hands are all dirty and I am NOT washing my hands again until I'm done. So we stay on. Both probably wanting to escape. Finally I am finished. I can kiss Jack's "owwiee" better and that's pretty good for him. Charlie I put in the highchair and give him a pickle. And Kelly I can hang up the phone. Everyone is happy for a little bit. And maybe I can survive this HOUR once again. Until tomorrow when it will be the same. Ahhh...... the hour before supper. We meet again. Is it wine o'clock yet?

Do you think it's socially acceptable to do this before supper?

My baby has wings

As some of you know, and some of you don't; I have gone through 2 miscarriages. My 2nd miscarriage I was around 10 weeks and happened around a month ago. This post is not about my miscarriages. Were they tough? Absolutely. The grief is hard to explain to others. It's deep, emotional and real. Will I be talking about my lost babies in future posts? Many times. But like I said before- this post is not about my miscarriages. This post is about my "birdie".

My idea of starting a blog came after my last miscarriage. I needed an outlet. I didn't want to post every little thought on facebook. Then my birdie came and I thought that it was pretty incredible. So here I am sharing.

2 weeks after my miscarriage I looked out my kitchen window and noticed a dove nesting in my flower basket. This to me was very strange as I've never seen anything like that before.  The day prior I had bought an angel that hangs in my kitchen window to remember my baby that says "Angel's like you are precious and few" - exactly how I feel about this little one. Through the Angel's wings I can see this little dove; sitting on her eggs; being a good little mommy keeping those eggs nice and warm in all this miserable weather we have been having. Over that week, she used to fly away when when got into our cars, when the boys played outside, or any other thing that spooked her. But of course she always came back. She soon got used to us. She flew away less and I noticed her really starting to watch us; calmly. I could get within inches from her and she would just look at me. She was starting to become part of the family. Then my realization hit.

Ever since I had seen the movie "Hope Floats" as a girl, I always dreamt of having a little girl and nicknaming her "Birdie". Deep down, from the beginning of that pregnancy I had a feeling it was a little girl and was finally going to get my Birdie. The pregnancy was so different than my others. The name "Birdie" was not going to be her first name but to me, she was always going to be called, Birdie.

I got into my vehicle heading over to a friends and I was thinking about my lost baby, I looked up at the dove- and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This dove- this is my Birdie. I cry while I write about it now but when I thought of it; it brought me happiness and peace.

The "Birdie" nesting in my hanging flower basket protecting 2 eggs (for the 2 babies I have lost), in front of my kitchen window, through the wings of my hanging angel- weeks after losing. This is not coincidence. This is God's way to tell me that she is okay. And that there will be new life. This is not the end of the road for my family. What an amazing gift.

Now as any good mommy I am protecting this little dove. My flowers are starting to die from not being watered. I make sure Jack and Charlie don't scare her when we are outside playing and I didn't park under my carport for weeks.  I have also taken a broom and attacked blackbirds who have threatened to harm. I am a momma bear to all my babies. Even if my baby has wings.

My dove- name `Birdie`

"An Angel Never Dies"

Don't let me say I wasn't born,

That something stopped my heart.

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,

It doesn't mean I'm gone.

This world was worthy not of me,

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face.

You have my word, I'll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be.
God doesn`t make mistakes,

but that won`t soften your worst blow,

or make your heart not ache.

I`m watching over all you`ll do,

another child you`ll bear.

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand.

Stroke my face, and kiss my lips,

And you will understand.

Although I never breathed your air,

And gazed into your eyes.

That doesn`t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies.

Father's Day!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to my babies daddy!

For Father's Day this year I told my hubby that he was not getting much. You see- he's not the "best" at gift giving. He has surprised me a few times but usually it ends up him leaving it to the last minute, rushing to the city and just buying something for the sake of buying something. So THIS year, I was going simple with him. No more I told him....But what's the fun in that???? Then he went on a five day golf trip. And I got bored. And I went on Pinterest. So I threw that idea out the window and came up with a pretty cool idea to incooperate the kids and him and shower him with gifts! Win win for them both! I also had fun doing it! So I guess it's a win for us all!

So what did I make? Homemade scratch n wins (fun for Jack to scratch), made it into a scavenger hunt for gifts (fun for all of them!) and he got some cool gifts out of it too- hello beer, jerky, lottery tickets and a super sweet all black NIXON watch (fun for Kelly)! AND- It looked like he was just getting a card at the start (which was fun for me because I knew what was inside!).

Gift giving is about making the other person feel special. And I wanted the man in my life to know just how special he is! So no more pretending- I am a gift giver and always will be! Hey- it's one of my best qualities :)

Happy Father's Day to all the amazing dads!

My first post. Ever.

My first post. Ever. Hmmm.....
What do I say???? Or what shouldn't I say?????

I told my husband last week that I needed my own laptop. I was tired of heading down to the basement to check things on our desktop during the day and I had had enough of stealing his at nights. I wanted something during the day to browse pinterest, or look up recipes but deep down; I really wanted to start a blog. A laptop arrived 3 days later.  When I told him my idea about starting a blog, he said, "well what are you going to write about?" completely dumbfounded that I would ever want to write or better yet; what would a Stay At Home Mom even say? To make matters worse, I am not a writer. Then he said that I should write my blog about his business..... Of course.... If you know my husband- love him to bits- but he looks at EVERY opportunity through his work eyes.

No hunny, this time, this is for me. What I'll write about; I have no clue yet. It will come. I have funny kids, I have a husband who has funny ideas, and I'm crafty. It will come.

So here it is. My first ever post. About nothing. Maybe I should have been a writer for Seinfeld.

 I think I'll be okay.