Is summer over yet????

Is summer over yet???? Please don't hate me for saying this but the older I get the more I really dislike summer. My husband is gone most of the time, heat gives me sun-stroke so on really hot days (like the ones we have been having this summer) I have to stay inside... and so on and so forth. We never get to take holidays like most families and every year I just find myself waiting for fall to begin. Because I LOVE fall. It's no coincidence that my blogger main picture is fall leaves and that my wedding Anniversary is September 27th. I love the crisp autumn air. I love the food that's prepared; the soup, the casseroles- all the comfort foods that I have been craving in BBQ season. Then there is Thanksgiving which just so happens to be my 2nd favourite holiday, following Christmas. I love taking my boys for a walk in the evening, when there is a chill in the air and I bundle them up with sweaters and blankets. To me, Fall screams family and warmth and togetherness. So before you throw me under the bus for bashing summer just think of the turkey dinner we will all be enjoying in less than 2 short months. The cranberry jelly, the pumpkin pie and sitting around the dinner table discussing all we are thankful for.

Maybe someday I will enjoy the hot summer days, when the boys are old enough to lube themselves up with sunscreen and know to keep their hat on. Until then, I will look forward to the cooler days of fall.

25 things....

4 years ago there was this craze on facebook that people would write "25 things you didn't know about me". I did it and I came back to it the other day to see how my thoughts have changed and found it really interesting how I felt pre-babies and how things have changed in just a short 4 years ago.

I've re-posted my original 25 things about me, and then added my thoughts present day in red.

25 Things About Me

1.) My favorite music is not country, shocking I know, it’s gospel. I love the feeling I get when I listen to it and sing to it. I catch myself singing when music isn’t even on. I have a strong faith and wish I went to church more frequently. - I still to do this day love gospel music but if a country singer is singing the song, even better. I will also add 50's and 60's rock and roll music to the list. The boys and I listen to "rock n robin" after supper almost every day and have a dance party. There's nothing that gets us grooving more. Jack grabs the broom and 'strums' the guitar and Charlie needs to be in my arms while we twirl around. Good times.

2.) I wish I lived in a fantasy land and I miss my childhood; probably because everything seemed that much more magical when you actually BELIEVE in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. I love parades and I love Disneyland. Although this seems like a good quality to have, it is probably the worst. My expectations are too high; my real life experiences are never as good as what was created in my head beforehand. I am working on this. My birthday doesn’t need balloons and games to make it good- I am just starting to realize this. - Thank god for kids. I am now able to live in my childhood and recreate traditions and hopes of Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I go to every parade (for the kids sake of course!) and I try to do birthdays in a big way. I don't care about my birthday any more but I spend months planning the boys. 

3.) Kelly truly is my best friend. I feel like I really only got to that point with him about 6 months ago. I’ve been saying for years that he was my best friend but maybe I was fooling myself. I love the relationship I have now. I feel truly blessed that I found someone to spend my life with who’s company I really do enjoy; not because I have to but because I want to. - 9 years together, married for 4. We still are best friends.

4.) I am terrified that I won’t find the patience I will need once the baby is born. I can get frazzled and overwhelmed; I need to find the calmness within. That is the main reason why I did not want to find out the sex of the baby. Normally I would NEED to know, but I really want to learn to just take it when it’s supposed to come. - It's amazing what you can do when you have to. Breastfeeding helped me with patience. Jack was an eater and from day 1, feedings took hours, and every couple hours. I had no choice but to sit, relax and do nothing. And now, I'm quite good at it ;)

5.) I know I am worth a lot more than what I am doing right now. It doesn’t scare me and I don’t think I am wasting time. I think the right path will just fall into place for me. - I have definitely found my calling as a Stay at Home Mom. I know I won't be doing this forever (I plan on getting back into it once they are in school full time) but for now I have no desires to be anywhere but at home, tending to my little ones.

6.) Having a “crash” and now living paycheck to paycheck was the best thing that could have happened to Kelly and I. We have learned the value of money and to truly appreciate the “lucky” breaks that God grants us. I am not ashamed- I feel like I am a better person and I think that this should happen to everyone at least once. How could I really appreciate all I had when that’s what I felt I DESERVED. You earn it, you don’t deserve it. - This one has been the biggest change for us. We went from living paycheck to paycheck to having a 4th great year finance wise and basically eliminating all our debt (student loans, car  loans) and now only have 8 years left on our mortgage even! It's amazing what even a year will do and some hard work and some risk, and some faith. 

7.) The thought of living without Kelly is truly the scariest thing for me. Although Kelly is healthier than me, I have a feeling deep down that I will outlive him. I am not sure how I could ever live without him. - I have never been so ill since I started having children. I had a horrible delivery with Jack, followed by a miscarriage, good pregnancy with Charlie, battles of mastitis, then threatened miscarriage, then miscarriage. So now, I'm not sure. I guess whoever goes first, the other will follow eventually! I don't care. As long as my children outlive me. That's a bigger fear now.

8.) I desperately want to adopt a child from a less fortunate country. I know it would be difficult, I know it would cost a lot of money- it’s just something I feel the need to do. - This is still a huge desire for me and kind of a sore spot in my marriage. Kelly is unsure and has other things on his mind, but this need just hasn't gone away. Maybe someday we can do this and give a deserving child a loving and safe home.

9.) I am too much like my father and not enough like my mother. Although my dad was the “successful” one, my mom is really the hero. - As I'm getting older I am becoming more like Mom. I like that. I've realized taking both their best qualities and molding it into one is definitely what I'm striving for.

10.) Family is the most important thing to me. I am so appreciative of the family I was born into, the family Kelly and I are creating, and the family I married in to. My blood family and my married family are completely different from each other. I need both in my life to make me as full of a person as I can be. I do not consider my closest friends as “friends”. They are family to me. - This is still true. My Mother-in-Law and I have gotten really close and it's due to her being so helpful with me and the kids. I know I always have her to lean on and she is willing and wanting to help me whenever needed. That is a must when trying to raise a family and manage a business.

11.) I hate to speak when everyone is listening. If someone else knows the story other than me, I get them to say it. I get overwhelmed, stutter my words and feel like a fool. I am much better one on one or with people I feel 100% comfortable with. - This will never change. I am more confident when I have my boys with me though. They give me must needed confidence at what I'm doing.

12.) On the flip side to 11, I did like public speaking in high school & college. Nervous as can be before I get up there, but once I’m up (and I feel like I am prepared), I like the control and respect I receive. - Same old.

13.) I really needed Andie in high school. More than she will ever know. My first impression of her was not a good one; but she turned into my family and will remain there forever. She brought spontaneity & laughter into my life. We are complete opposites and I believe that we need each other. - This one pains me a little. I think of Andie very dearly but we don't talk or get together near as much as we should. She is chasing the career world while I am chasing a 1 and 3 year old. Very different lives. But, she is the kind of friend that a year can go by without seeing each other and we pick up where we left off. She attends all the the milestones of my kids. She is a good friend and I am lucky to have her.

14.) I have very few GOOD friends. Each friend came into my life at a different time and for a different reason. I can count them on one hand- and that’s all I need. - I am much choosier now with friends than I have ever been. Mainly because I have less time to spend with them so when I do have time I choose wisely and surround myself with people who make me a better person, or who I can learn from. I am not wasting my time anymore. So freeing.

15.) For 17 years of my life, I was going to grow up to be a school teacher. 1 month before the deadline to enroll into University, I changed my mind. I had my reasons, and I still stick to them but the true reason I believe was if I did follow through, then I would never have met Kelly. And he was my destiny- not teaching. - I would still love to go back and get my education degree. A more realistic goal would probably be a teacher's aide certificate. I would settle for that. Less work, less marking, less responsibility. 

16.) Kelly and I killed our pet bird. We only had Oscar for like 2 weeks, didn’t like him much but still did not have any intentions of starving him to death. I felt awful, and still do. I have learned that birds “shell” their seed, so even if it looks like there is food in their bowl- it’s better to check. And if you hear them squawking in the middle of night- that’s a warning sign (they are not singing). -I'm amazed at how this still bothers me. I am NOT a killer. I hate hunting. I would have a serious issue if my husband decided to pick up this hobby.

17.) I can not remember much from my past. I have the worst memory & only really remember when I look back at pictures. Dementia or Alzheimer’s is a huge fear of mine. - Still a horrible memory. Hence, why I write everything down, am blogging to remember my thoughts, and take hundreds of pictures of the kids. I want to preserve my memories.

18.) I hold onto grudges. Not a trait I am proud of. Once someone has broken my trust, it is really hard for me to completely forget it. I am trying to work on this, because I do know the value of forgiveness. - I am still working on this. I am getting better. I truly believe now that forgiveness is for yourself, and not for the other person. 

19.) I feel the most productive doing “womanly” things. Cleaning my house, getting caught up on laundry, making a big old fashioned supper with dessert & knitting at night; those days are the ones that make me feel like I really accomplished something. - Still true, and I get A LOT more practice doing "womanly" things. So now, I like to exercise my mind as well and a mix between the two is just perfect.

20.) I used to help people, a lot more than I have lately. I will not tolerate bullying. Growing up, I was always the one to walk the girl home to prevent the stones that got thrown at her. I even had my own classroom at breaks and lunches to just listen to classmates who just needed someone who cared. My heart still longs to help but I am not in situations that allow me to; or maybe I am just not looking for them any more.  - It really bothered me that I didn't volunteer as an adult like I did as a child/teenager. So now, because I want to show my boys that giving back is important, I have joined the Kinettes. If there is something you don't like about yourself, then change it. And I did.

21.) I peed on 6 pregnancy tests before I actually believed I was pregnant. I paced up and down our hallway waiting for 2 minutes on each one. My life changed in that moment. - Every pregnancy I've had I've peed on at least 4 sticks. I guess I need reassurance. Man, I didn't know just how my life would change. All for the better.

22.) I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe in it for my own sanity; no other reason. - I believe something in between now. Sometimes I think bad things just happen and for no reason at all. And if you can find something you can learn in the situation then bonus. I think I changed my mind on this when a co-worker was telling me about her son that died. He was in an accident and she said it made her mad when people would say that it happened for a reason or it was his time. This did not give her any peace. It was a bad thing that happened and it sucked. End of story. I saw her point. 

23.) Although I desperately wanted to get married sooner than I did- I now realize that I was not ready & it happened when it was supposed to happen. Marriage changes your whole outlook on life. I was not mature enough for the responsibility that goes along with that. - I think of how much I have grown since I got married and it's ridiculous! I was a young pup; but definitely old enough to get married.

24.) I have an extreme soft spot for animals. I will cry harder over an animal dying in a movie than a human. The worst experience of my life was when I ran over Bailey’s leg with our Yukon. She turned out okay, but I panicked, cried and still feel guilty to this day. - Still a soft spot but children have changed this. I cry for babies and children. I always put myself in the same situation that the mother is in and it breaks my heart. I love animals but the love for your animals dramatically changes once children enter your life. The love is not the same.

25.) My grandma Clara is a true inspiration to me. There are many nights that I have cried myself to sleep, longing for her to know who I am again. I try to be strong about it, but it bothers me. She is my idol and I find myself just staring at old pictures of her, wishing I knew her when she was my age. I feel guilty for not getting to know & for not feeling that way about my mom’s mom. I can’t imagine how much it hurts her to know that I don’t really remember her & that I will never have memories of her, like I do of grandma Kading. - We lost Grandma 2 years ago in August. It was her time and the days following her death were filled of sorrow but celebration. I think of her often and try to live my life passing on some of the wonderful things that she brought into mine.



And that's it. How my 25 things have changed over the last 4 years. This was fun for me to go back and see. I'm glad I did this.

A fisherman was born....

Last weekend we ram-shackled my parents camper (they were gone for the weekend) and took the boys camping. My husband's family also were camping there the same weekend so it was the perfect opportunity to get some family time in. The 2nd best part of the entire weekend was that my in-laws took the boys to sleep at the farm for the night (it's only 15 minutes from their place) so Kelly and I could enjoy a camp-fire and a sleep filled night. The best part of the trip was definitely watching a fisherman be born.

We have never taken Jack fishing. He's gone on many boat rides before but we thought an "energetic" boy, long rod, and a hook was probably not a good idea for the first few years of his life. Now was the time and before we ventured off to the lake we made a quick stop and picked up his very own fishing rod (just his size) and Spider-man to boot. He was one very excited little boy and held the rod the entire road trip down.

Well I don't think you have seen a more proud dad. Not only did our overly energetic boy stay still for hours on end, he LOVED it! I have never seen him more calm, intrigued, and patient. This was not my son, surely.

Yes, a fisherman was born. He has already started his 'fish stories'; "I caught a BIG one Mom".

And all was good. Until he dropped the rod in the water on the first day. Oh well, off to the store we go.

2 year Annivesary

August 7th was the 2 year Anniversary of my Grandma's death. Why do we call it an Anniversary? This is definitely not something to celebrate, but her life sure was.
Grandma was an amazing person. I truly believe a little bit of her is in us all. She was the kind of woman who had many phrases that were all her own, and those continue on even though she has left us. She was a strong woman who would always be up for a fight if needed, and her love for her family far exceeded anything else. She had 7 children and they were her pride and joys. She did everything for family. Family was her life. She smoked like a chimney, played a mean hand of cards, and loved Bingo. She was that kind of Grandma. We would cram all 50+ of us into her 1000 sq ft, with 1 bathroom, hot and smoky, for all Holidays because it's what Grandma wanted. It's what we all wanted. I would give anything for my kids to have 1 Christmas with her, in her home, experiencing the true essence of "family". Grandma wrapping up her false teeth just to get a kick out of who unwraps it, her delicious mashed potatoes that had a hint of sweet because she kept them in the downstairs fridge that was almost at freezing point, the 8 person line-up ALWAYS to go the washroom, and squeezing through the mounds of people to get to the coolness of the basement. Ahhh.... Grandma's house. Grandma.

"I love you, I love you, said the little blue man, I love you, I love you to bits. I love you, I love you, said the little blue man and he scared me right out of my wits".

Until we see each other again Grandma, "Cheerio". Take good care of my babies up there :)

Life's a circus...

So I took Jack to the Circus last night. Just him and I. I found a babysitter for Charlie until Kelly got home from work and off we went. Jack had no idea what the Circus was. He honestly thought the bouncy castle and pony rides outside of the tent was the attraction and was quite mad at me that I wouldn't pay the $5.00 admission to go on either one. We have a bouncy castle in our BACKYARD Jack... I am not paying $5.00 for you to jump while we wait in line. Smart smart carnies I tell ya. I pay the $30.00 admission to get us in. Yes. $30.00 for just us 2 (what we won't do for our kids) find the seats that were being saved for us (there was a crew that went) and quickly get a snow cone to buy more time until the show starts. That $5.00 snow cone saved the day because it kept Jack less squirmy while we watched the show.
Oh the things we saw.... dog tricks, white horses running in a line, a "contortionist", and a clown. The main attraction was a human cannonball where a 16 year old got shot out of it. This really is the Circus. I didn't expect much more than that. I mean, we are in Humboldt and they travelled to us. But really? I heard they had kangaroo's and they didn't even take them out! How come?!?!?! I would think that would be a must, so people feel like they at least go their money's worth.
Jack enjoyed the whole experience though. I mean what's not to love? Dog tricks? Heck yes when you're 3. Running around during intermission with his cousins outside? Can't get better than that. A RED snowcone? Bonus! And he's already asking if we can go again.
My heart does go out for those animals though and I'm having a tough time deciding if this is something I want Jack to see. I was fine with the dog tricks. They received treats and they didn't have anything strenuous to do. I mean even George, our dog, walks up the ladder of our slide and slides down. I did have a problem with the whips for the horses. I HATE that. But if I swear off the Circus then I have to swear off all horse shows, rodeo's etc etc.
So what's a Mom to do? I just don't know. I am glad we went this time. Even though my butt is still sore and needed a major massage when we got home :)

There was two....

I went to my doctor's appointment yesterday. I love my OB GYN. She's amazing and makes me feel at ease. She delivered both  my boys and has been there with both my miscarriages. We had a follow-up to see that everything was good to go and after a 3 hour wait, I left her office feeling both happy and sad. I'm happy that everything is good with me and my miscarriage didn't damage my body in any way but I'm sad at her thoughts. We talked in great length about how I was physically feeling last pregnancy and dissected everything that happened. Without her knowing my genetic past she came up with the conclusion that I was pregnant with twins and lost them. My HCG levels were high, I was sick before I even knew I was pregnant (like really sick- couldn't sit on a rocking chair sick) and just the events of the miscarriage and how it unfolded. Then I told her that twins do run on my mom's side and that sealed her decision. She confidently said that I must have lost twins. 2 babies. I was just mourning the loss of 1. 2 never even came into question. I suppose it was a good thing at the time I didn't know, because I think it would have been twice as tough. I'm in a better place in my mind to handle this information but it still pains my heart. I've always wanted twins. I've always dreamt of having twins. I knew there was a possibility and I always joked that I wanted 4 children in 3 pregnancies. And to trick my husband into having 4 babies I would just have twins on my last try. The information is a little overwhelming for me.

I guess I won't know until I'm in heaven and I get to meet the little ones but until then I can dream of them. What they look like. Their personalities. What they were meant to be.