My baby has wings

As some of you know, and some of you don't; I have gone through 2 miscarriages. My 2nd miscarriage I was around 10 weeks and happened around a month ago. This post is not about my miscarriages. Were they tough? Absolutely. The grief is hard to explain to others. It's deep, emotional and real. Will I be talking about my lost babies in future posts? Many times. But like I said before- this post is not about my miscarriages. This post is about my "birdie".

My idea of starting a blog came after my last miscarriage. I needed an outlet. I didn't want to post every little thought on facebook. Then my birdie came and I thought that it was pretty incredible. So here I am sharing.

2 weeks after my miscarriage I looked out my kitchen window and noticed a dove nesting in my flower basket. This to me was very strange as I've never seen anything like that before.  The day prior I had bought an angel that hangs in my kitchen window to remember my baby that says "Angel's like you are precious and few" - exactly how I feel about this little one. Through the Angel's wings I can see this little dove; sitting on her eggs; being a good little mommy keeping those eggs nice and warm in all this miserable weather we have been having. Over that week, she used to fly away when when got into our cars, when the boys played outside, or any other thing that spooked her. But of course she always came back. She soon got used to us. She flew away less and I noticed her really starting to watch us; calmly. I could get within inches from her and she would just look at me. She was starting to become part of the family. Then my realization hit.

Ever since I had seen the movie "Hope Floats" as a girl, I always dreamt of having a little girl and nicknaming her "Birdie". Deep down, from the beginning of that pregnancy I had a feeling it was a little girl and was finally going to get my Birdie. The pregnancy was so different than my others. The name "Birdie" was not going to be her first name but to me, she was always going to be called, Birdie.

I got into my vehicle heading over to a friends and I was thinking about my lost baby, I looked up at the dove- and it hit me like a ton of bricks. This dove- this is my Birdie. I cry while I write about it now but when I thought of it; it brought me happiness and peace.

The "Birdie" nesting in my hanging flower basket protecting 2 eggs (for the 2 babies I have lost), in front of my kitchen window, through the wings of my hanging angel- weeks after losing. This is not coincidence. This is God's way to tell me that she is okay. And that there will be new life. This is not the end of the road for my family. What an amazing gift.

Now as any good mommy I am protecting this little dove. My flowers are starting to die from not being watered. I make sure Jack and Charlie don't scare her when we are outside playing and I didn't park under my carport for weeks.  I have also taken a broom and attacked blackbirds who have threatened to harm. I am a momma bear to all my babies. Even if my baby has wings.

My dove- name `Birdie`

"An Angel Never Dies"

Don't let me say I wasn't born,

That something stopped my heart.

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,

It doesn't mean I'm gone.

This world was worthy not of me,

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face.

You have my word, I'll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was meant to be.
God doesn`t make mistakes,

but that won`t soften your worst blow,

or make your heart not ache.

I`m watching over all you`ll do,

another child you`ll bear.

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand.

Stroke my face, and kiss my lips,

And you will understand.

Although I never breathed your air,

And gazed into your eyes.

That doesn`t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies.